America may be the land of opportunity, but it is also the land of the second chance. Americans love comebacks. No matter how far you fall from grace, Americans can forgive you, and you can get back up and into the mix. And 2009, a year of renewal, looks to be a comeback extravaganza! Let’s look at some of the things you thought had been abandoned to posterity, but are instead getting ready to stand toe to toe with the brand new year:
1. DETROIT. Unless you live in your 74 Dodge Dart that had the radio stolen out of it in 1989 at that bad ass Lita Ford concert, you know the Federal Government is preparing to bail out the American auto industry. So get ready to buy American, whether you want to or not! Don’t worry, though, these companies are sure to innovate, spurred on by gratitude and the faith that Americans show them by pumping them full of taxpayer dollars; for instance, the 2009 Pinto II Hybrid GT is going to come tricked out with a sweet set of Cragar Mags, free of charge. Come get your muscle!
2. John Edwards. Can you call it a comeback if you never left? The indomitable John Edwards laid low for a few weeks after last August, when the National Enquirer proved that he spent a little bit of time in two Americas, not just the Good One. He is already back on the public scene hooking and jabbing though, and 2009 has yet to begin. You just can’t keep this guy down! Expect to see him next year passionately advocating for health care reform and the eradication of poverty in this nation, at least until the papparazi get some pics of him shopping at Toys R Us with Rielle Hunter, after which he will be back in exile, awaiting the chance for yet another comeback. . .
3. Big Government: Bill Clinton once said “the era of big government is over”; but then again he said a whole lot of things that turned out to be, well, disputable, right? Big Government is set to make a BIG comeback in 2009. The treasury is bailing out just about every failed bank and industry in this country. And what about all of you out there, are you pretty jacked up yourselves? Well, download a treasury form, fill it out and stage your own comeback. 700 Billion dollars goes a long way, and can pay for lots of comebacks! But big government isn’t just about bailouts. Its also about volunteering. Everyone in America loves Americorps, the all volunteer group that, uh, I guess helps people and stuff, so the new administration is going to make it mandatory to volunteer (or maybe not, who knows?) and give big scholarships to everyone for helping out, so that everyone can go to college (which was a kick ass program started by John Edwards, but I guess he got tired of doing it or something). If bailouts and volunteering aren’t your thing, though, don’t sweat it. Expect a bunch of departments to grow in scale and scope. Well, except for the Department of Defense, maybe. . .
4. Zombies. Zombie movies generally kick ass, except for that Planet Zero Tarantino/Rodriguez embarassment in 2007, of course. 2008 generally sucked when it came to zombie movies, too, but they are poised for a comeback in 2009. There are tons of zombie movies getting ready to launch, as well as a zombie TV series, and probably some video games too, if that’s your thing.
5. Shoe Repair. I’ll be honest, I am just guessing on this one, but it makes perfect sense. If people have less money due to the flagging economy, they will probably take better care of what paltry stuff they do have. Instead of buying a new pair of $80.00 loafers and just tossing their old ones, folks will most likely pay $10-15 to have the originals re-soled, and keep on trucking. So expect to see a shoe repair shop or two popping up in your local shopping district. And if things get real bad, maybe people will start doing what my grandfather did in the 1930s and shoot pigeons with slingshots at highway overpasses, since chicken is so darn expensive.
This is America, and you can’t count someone out until you see the coffin lowered into the hole (and in the case of zombies, not even then!). So stay tuned and watch people and trends you thought gone forever return to glory. I for one am hoping that President-Elect Obama shows up at the inaugeration wearing a leather tie. . .